Have you ever just had those moments where you question whether or not the way you think, feel or perceive things is “normal”? I do. And I can’t help but feel a sense of inadequacy in the midst of coming to terms with my not-normalness.
Let me back up, and give you the background story: Boy knows of Girl from high school. Never knew her, but knew *OF* her. They became what social media likes to define as “friends”. Boy and Girl have a few chats here and there, nothing serious. One night Boy decides to send Girl a message to ask her out on a date. It was random, but Girl says yes, she thought it would be fun. Boy asks for her phone number, and they began to text the following day.
Pause. Let me take a moment here. It’s been a minute or two since I’ve “dated” or been asked out on a date. I was genuinely looking forward to it. I was flattered. It felt good to be noticed, and even better that someone wanted to pursue me. It made me feel valuable. Wanted. But ultimately I felt like I needed to shake the uneasy feeling that the date wasn’t earned, because he didn’t know me. At all. But had enough superficial interest and guts to ask me out, which is hard enough to do, so I wanted to see it through, because after all he was interested enough to ask me out right?
Wrong. Let me explain.
Upon spending the day texting Boy, Girl starts to notice the pattern and flow of conversation and begins to feel uneasy. Something is missing. Something is not quite right. She shook it off, it’s just texting. It’s casual, not every first conversation is going to be a deep ocean of intellectual conversation, wit and depth. You gotta start in the kiddy pool first. So Girl shook it off and continued on. She enjoyed the attention. But the more they talked, the more she saw that her interest in Boy led to thought provoking questions to understand his personhood, whereas his interest in her only went as far as responding to text messages by answering her questions. Never really showing much genuine interest in who she is as a person. Girl noticed Boy’s attempt to impress her with his material things, and character traits to make him desirable to her. She continued to feel off by their conversation and reassured him that he didn’t need to impress her, but Just assumed it could just be nerves talking, after all, he said he was shy. Feeling that the conversation maybe just needed some good old fashioned phone talking, she asked Boy to continue the conversation on the phone. Once again, Girl asks boy questions. Boy answers questions. Girl affirms boys opinion or feelings about his answers and then…. nothing. Just silence… for what feels like an eternity. She scrambles to try to force the one-sided interview-type conversation to keep it going but finds herself exhausted after 7 minutes. They hang up the phone. Girl tailspin’s into a never-ending cycle of beating herself up about the lack of interest he has in her. “But he asked me out! Of course he’s interested!” Girl fights with herself with an inner monologue of undeniable frustration and overthought and endless nit-picky self judgment.
Remember what I said about being “not normal”? This is it. Perfect example.
I made excuses for me, I made excuses for him. But what I resented was the idea that all these exchanges were an example of one-sided-open-interest. Simply meaning, I was the one showing an openness to be interested. But if I’m honest, had he not asked me out on a date, I wouldn’t be showing interest. But that one gesture communicated a sense of being special, a person with value, someone worth pursuing and overcoming the fear of rejection for. And that one action alone spoke volumes to me. But what I came to realize is that it wasn’t GENUINE interest, it was CONVENIENT interest. Interest that only holds the weight of the calendar date it resides on.
Now you may be have gotten this far and wondered, “Andrea we get it you tried to give a guy a shot, you didn’t vibe. End of story. The end.” No, no, no. See this is a gut wrenching example of one of my greatest facepalm fails of all time. When I’m spending my time filling the void of my heart that harbors my loneliness, I have a tendency to avoid a genuine, deep relationship with God for fear of being found out. I know that He knows every facet of me, but it’s hard to come to grips with the fact that oftentimes, I want to stay in the shallows of kiddy pool Christianity of what’s comfortable, that doesn’t force change, accelerate growth or promote depth. I tell myself I’m interested in God, but if I’m honest, sometimes I’m only in the parts of God that benefit me, while simultaneously still embracing the humanness that leaves me feeling empty. Just like how it *seemed* like Boy was interested in filling up his calendar with a date, it didn’t matter that that date was with me. He just didn’t want to be alone on a Saturday night. Sometimes my days are filled with Jesus but even if they aren’t, they’re at least filled with something to distract from the emptiness I feel when I’m not filled with Him. I think I just tend to settle for less than my Savior for the sake of staying the same person He saved me from.
But looking at it all, I don’t blame Boy. Why? Because when it comes to my relationship with Jesus, I am Boy, at times. Just interested enough to get the benefit of being “saved by grace through faith”, but not interested enough to go deeper, beyond what’s comfortable, failing to embrace the cause for convictions to become more like His likeness and less like my humanness.
It’s not about simply being saved, it’s about the genuine relationship with the savior and exchanging the counterfeit heart fillers for an authentic deep heart transformation. .
andrea statler 