There is such a thing as good intentions communicated terribly. Most often these moments happen around the holidays with well-intentioned family members who just want to know what’s going on in your life.
***I’ve only dealt with this one time, personally— but felt it was necessary to talk about***
If you’re like me (or have family members like me) who are coming into this holiday season solo for the 952nd time in a row— let’s go over some questions NOT to ask and replace them with better ones, shall we?
Disclaimer: The following 3 questions have been topics among my single female friends that have experienced these exact questions at family gatherings. While one of them is my own experience, the other two are experiences from close friends.
1.)DO NOT ASK: “Are you seeing anyone?”
While the perception may seem harmless, any variation of this question is a lose-lose situation for the person who is being asked the question. If I say “yes, I’m seeing someone”, then the follow-up question is always, “well where is he? I can’t wait to meet him!” Or “tell me everything! Who is he, what’s he like, where’d you meet?” And it becomes a big thing. Which again, I love the excitement, but I may not be ready for a game of 20 questions into my love life that I’m still figuring out, and that’s okay. I don’t have to explain my boundaries, I just need to tell you that they’re there.
The flip side of this question is if I say “no, I’m not seeing anyone.” Then the person asking the question now feels bad for reminding you that you’re alone, so they try to cheer you up with “encouragement” such as “don’t worry, it’ll happen!” Or “God’s timing is best! I know He has someone in store for you!” While these are coming from a kind place, they aren’t the most helpful.
ASK THIS INSTEAD: “What are some things you enjoy doing when you aren’t working?”
This is a great question because it gets your single family members to talk about what they’re interested in, passionate about, and how they spend their time. It shows that you’re taking interest into them as people, not just their relationship status.
If they want to mention that they spend time with a significant other, then that’s their call— otherwise they’ll talk about a hobby they’ve recently taken up or maybe a trip they took, or a cool experience they had with friends. Or if they’re a workaholic, maybe it’ll give you an opportunity to suggest something that you think that they’d enjoy doing.
2.) DO NOT ASK: “I notice you never bring anyone to the holidays… are you gay? If you are, I just want to tell you I support you.”
I was 21 when I got this question from a well-intentioned family member.
It was quite jarring being on the receiving end of that question. While my personal response was “No, I’m not gay.” I realize that for other people, they may in fact be struggling with that reality. And it’s no easier to deal with it when family members ask very specific, uncomfortable questions like this one to let you know that they notice your ongoing “state of singleness”.
Someone’s sexual orientation is not up for discussion around the dinner table. Let alone, with family members you see twice a year.
ASK THIS INSTEAD: “What are you most excited about in the coming year?”
Once again, it shows interest in the person you’re talking to while allowing them to share more about themselves, and it gives you something to genuinely encourage them in.
If they tell you about something exciting going on in their life, they’re giving you the opportunity to get excited with them. Join them!
3.) DO NOT ASK: “Have you considered beginning the process of freezing your eggs?”
As someone with a biological clock, I am well aware of its expiration date. People who are asked this question make known of that desire or lack thereof of wanting children known. And if the person you’re asking doesn’t want kids, the last place they want to talk about that controversial topic is at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Not to mention that fertility is a very sensitive topic regardless of relationship status— so let’s just avoid these types of questions or any variation of them, please.
ASK THIS INSTEAD: “How can I be praying for you this new year?”
Regardless of whether you’re a spiritually-led person or not, it is comforting to hear that someone wants to pray for you. It gives the person you’re asking the freedom to be vulnerable (if they choose to) and give you a reason to reach out in the coming months to touch base in an authentic way to ask how that’s going, and not just wait until the following year around the holidays.
Holidays are busy and hard.. but we don’t need to make them harder for our still-single family members by asking questions for the sake of being nosey.
If we want to talk about our relationships or lack thereof, that’s our business to make known. But if we aren’t voluntarily telling you about it, there’s probably a reason, and that reason is ours to share, or not.
andrea statler 