I recently reconnected with an old friend from high school. As we were talking and catching up, he began to tell me about the frustration he experiences when trying to spend time with a friend who he feels is too-consumed with his relationship:
“One of my best friends has to ask permission from his girlfriend to play basketball with me. Then if we play longer than what she wants, she gets mad. Then, he feels guilty for hanging out with me at all because she’s upset. Now, he hesitates anytime I ask him to play basketball. I’ll never get a girl like that who is so controlling! I can’t stand that! A guy should be able to do what he wants and not feel bad about having hobbies! Or friends!”
“That does sound frustrating! But let me ask you— does she ever give a specific time that she would like for him to be home from playing basketball with you so that they can spend time together?”
“No. She just decides in her head when it’s time for him to be finished.”
Ding ding ding!
This is a situation I know all too well, and maybe you do too.
The concept of time is a funny thing— especially when trying to balance friendships, relationships and family time plus every other priority that is in line for your time. But this is where setting proper expectations is crucial!
Let’s use the following 2 sentences to demonstrate the 3 steps to set realistic expectations using the example from the conversation with my friend:
I’m going to go play basketball with my buddy; I’ll be heading home at 6. I’ll call you when I’m done to see if there’s anything you want me to stop and get for you on the way home, okay?
Let’s break this down:
STEP 1: STATE YOUR SPECIFIC PLAN
“I’m going to go play basketball with my buddy; I’ll be heading home at 6.”
This is clear, concise and has a DEADLINE. The deadline is KEY when trying to share priorities among various important people in your life. I know it may take the spontaneity out of it when you place a deadline on it, but even an “all-day-guys-day” has an expiration date. Saying that it’s “all day” may mean 8am-5pm for one person, and it may mean 24+ hours for another. Be specific, out of respect. Then, set a timer 15 minutes before you’re supposed to leave so that you have enough time to follow through on your specific plan. If the follow-through doesn’t happen in the way you say it will on a continuous basis, then your partner will begin to feel neglected and trust will be compromised.
2.) IDENTIFY THE ACTION UPON COMPLETION
“I’ll call you when I’m done to see if there’s anything you want me to stop and get for you on the way home.”
This is 2-Fold GOLD right here, so read carefully. This step identifies what you’re going to do and why you’re going to do it. By saying that you’re calling only to let your significant other know that you’re finished playing basketball and are on your way home, it gives the impression of obligation for communication, which is fine. But we’re not settling for fine, we’re shooting for the best possible outcome. So, you add the extra layer of thoughtfulness and care by stating that the purpose for calling is to see if there is something you could do for them as you are on your way home to see them. It’s reassuring them that they’re important to you and that you want to show them that you care. (It also gives them a realistic expectation that if you’re home a little later than initially intended it was because you were getting something for them on your way home.)
3.) GIVE THEM A CHOICE THAT REQUIRES AN ANSWER
“Okay?”
It seems simple, but this last word may be the most important one. You aren’t asking for permission but you are asking them to confirm their understanding of the plan you just told them that you were going to do. Now you’re just waiting for a response to determine if your plan is understood and accepted, or if a compromise is needed. Maybe there is an obligation you forgot you had, or maybe the timing of it needs to be adjusted. Regardless, this one word— in a kind, respectful tone, can help you set realistic, thoughtful expectations in a way where your partner still feels included in the plan.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “but what do I do if I don’t have to leave the house, what if I’m just playing video games or something?”
Go back to step 2– identify the action upon completion. Meaning, identify the action that you’re going to do that speaks HIS or HER love language as a way to reconnect with them. So you could say, “I’m playing video games with my friends until 8. Afterwards, let’s watch New Girl and I’ll give you a foot rub, okay?” This way, they have something to look forward to as they fill their time doing their own thing while you play video games.
Setting proper realistic expectations when trying to juggle friendships in addition to dating relationships can be hard if you don’t know how to begin the conversation. Hopefully these steps will help you in your life set realistic respectful expectations with your friends and your partner so they both know that they are important priorities in your life.
andrea statler 