It’s easy to stay in a relationship when you know you’re with the wrong person. Sometimes we prefer to be with the wrong person because that seems better than being alone with the lies of inadequacy that are so easy to believe. But that’s just it: you’re either constantly being reminded that you’re not good enough by a person you’re in a relationship with or you’re reminded that you’re not good enough when you’re alone with yourself.
This toxic circular reasoning has got to stop. It’s infiltrating our very identities leading us to believe that if we’re not with someone, then that must mean we’re not good enough for anyone. And that couldn’t be further from the truth.
So I want to show you 5 ways to know and discern that the relationship you’re in, is in fact, the wrong relationship for you:
1. You don’t like who you are with them
This was always a hard pill to swallow for me. I go through seasons of embracing myself fully and having confidence in who I am to then reclusive into my own little bubble by myself questioning every little thing about me.
But then you meet your person. This could be a friend or a romantic partner— and something just clicks. You don’t feel like you have to be a “certain way” to be accepted. But that person makes you feel better about who you are, encourages your goals, has their own goals, and from that births the ability to become an even better version of yourself.
So if you don’t like the version of you that you turn into when they’re with you— it may be time to say goodbye.
2. You’ve lost your own independent identity
When your likes, dislikes, preferences, friendships, hobbies and passions become a thing of the past, that’s when you know the person occupying your time should be a person of your past.
I know that it’s tempting to want someone to be your everything. But all that breeds is a level of codependency and an unhealthy attachment style that keeps you consumed by the identity of your partner cleverly disguised as “oneness”.
You have feelings, choices, preferences, hobbies, passions, friends, likes and dislikes— but if you find yourself lacking in these areas on your own when you’re single— it’s going to be even easier to lose your identity in a relationship.
Do you struggle to feel safe making your preferences known to your partner? Do you feel upset when you spend time pursuing your passions or cultivating your friendships? Does your partner feel upset that all of your time isn’t spent on them? If so, it might be time to say goodbye.
3. You find yourself developing substantial attraction or romantic feelings for someone else
If you are a person who is actively monogamously dating someone else, but you find yourself developing substantial attraction for someone else or are developing a relationship with someone that would be otherwise disrespectful to your current relationship— then something has got to change.
I’m not saying you break up with your partner for this reason alone, but it does give you reason to pause and reflect on why you’re going outside your relationship to get your needs met. Is it truly that your partner hasn’t met your needs, or have you not conveyed what your needs are or request how they be met? Regardless, a person doesn’t start looking for things to satisfy them outside of their relationship unless they’re looking for an exit plan that ends with one person, and starts right back up with another.
As someone whose been on the receiving end of that situation— it’s awful.
No one wants to be the person who gets broken up with. But they would rather you break up with them than get cheated on with someone that you used as your “exit plan”. Trust me.
4. You’re comforted by their presence but not their personhood
This is a hard one because for most people, most of the time, it’s easy to get along. But when it comes to a romantic partner, you shouldn’t settle for just “getting along” or “getting by”— you know when you’re thriving and if this person doesn’t help you foster and encourage that— but instead are maybe jealous or passive aggressive at your independence, it may be time to say good bye.
If the person that they are causes you to be tempted to backslide on your own personal growth, or doesn’t work diligently to work on growing themselves, that’s when you know that you’re comforted by the familiarity of their presence but not their authentic personhood.
5. You’re scared to leave so it’s easier to stay
Hurt people, hurt people. And breakups can definitely hurt people and cause them to be unpredictable. Sometimes it can be daunting putting the finality on the relationship when you have mutual friend groups or so much time invested or have talked about marriage or whatever the case may be. But if you’re scared about how they’ll be when you do decide to leave that’s when you know that you’re staying in the relationship out of fear. And if you feel like you could be in danger when you break up with someone, it’s important that you have a friend or family member nearby to come in to assist if need be.
I hope, that if nothing else, these 5 ways to determine that you’re in the wrong relationship helps you to think, reflect and put into action the hard choices once you’re ready to take that step.
andrea statler 