If you grew up when I did then you may have heard of the TV show Fear Factor. It was a game show designed to put the participants in all sorts of situations facing their fears and fears they didn’t even know they had to entertain people at home.
What I think is so interesting though is that sometimes we forget that there’s a real “fear factor” when it comes to building romantic relationships.
I was talking to a friend earlier this week and I told him that when I hit the 6 month mark with someone I get nervous. Because that 6 month mark, at least for me, in my weird mind, means things are getting real.
In my experience, It’s at the 6 month mark where routine, comfort and complacency only just begin to start settling in. It’s at this time that the initial delight, intrigue, curiosity and magnetism that was so seamless at first now takes more work to maintain.
It’s the 6 month mark for me that my fear factor revs up and rears it’s ugly head.
And then the thoughts come pouring in:
“Do I like the life I’m building with this person?”
“Do I like ME when I’m with this person?”
“Do we genuinely work well together?”
“Could I see spending the rest of my life with this person, and if not should we continue this relationship?”
“Have I discussed the concerns about building something long term with this person, and if so to what degree?
Are these genuine issues of long term concern and can they be worked out?
I continue to ask myself other similar questions like this because I operate out of the fear of wasting time by being with someone else’s husband.
And yes I realize how strange that is to say. But it’s true. If they’re not my husband they’re probably someone else’s and I don’t want to keep him from finding her nor do I want to keep myself from finding my husband, if I even have one at all.
It’s better to rip the bandaid off sooner than later.
But other people operate out of the fear of being alone and without intimate connection. So they’ll stay in the “wrong thing” because even if it’s wrong, it’s comfortable and familiar and better than being alone. So they stay. Because they’re operating out of their personal fear factor of being alone and without the comfort of intimate connection even if it’s with the wrong person.
But what’s the worst possible case scenario if those fears come to life?
Like for me, what if I do stay in the wrong thing for far too long and “waste time” ? What’s the worst possible outcome? I’m mourning and hurt for a while. I’m attached to them for even longer. I recluse. I reflect. I operate out of an unhealthy state of mind for a while. I learn to accept responsibility for what I contributed to the relationship and learn more about myself and what I can and can’t handle. And then eventually… I get to a place where I’m okay.
So the worst possible scenario is that eventually.. I’m okay?
Well then maybe my fear isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
Same thing with my friends who operate out of the fear of being alone and without intimate connection with another person: what’s the worst possible case scenario? You mourn and are hurt, you feel disconnected by lack of intimate connection with another person. But now you have the time to intimately connect with yourself perhaps in a way you never could with the wrong person. You recluse, and reflect, learn about what you will and won’t settle for and eventually.. you’re okay too.
We all hate discomfort so much that we don’t see it as an opportunity for growth when we’re in it. We just want to get out of it as soon as possible. So then we find ourselves immediately moving on to the next person to fill the void, we’re actually jeopardizing our own ability to learn and grow from that past experience so history doesn’t repeat itself.
Discomfort and being hurt are unavoidable experiences. So if we can leverage those uncomfortable experience to intentionally pursue our own growth then our fears that we operate out of no longer have the power over us, because we are giving the power back to ourselves.
andrea statler 