When Grief Sets In

This week has been filled to the brim with nothing but loss.

One friend lost her mom on January 5th, another friend lost her brother on January 8th, and my manager at work committed suicide on January 14th, and the morning of January 15th my roommate and I were rejected for our 3rd house in 3 weeks.

When I tell you January has been rough, its been overwhelmingly rough.

Usually I’m too busy working 3 jobs or more to allow this type of grief sink into me— but right now it’s like all I have is time to feel every. little. thing.

And I’m not good at it. I’m not good at bearing this much grief, anguish, disappointment and frustration.

My mom did this beautifully for 23 years as a hospice nurse— every day was nothing but approaching death, death, or consoling the families after death. I’ll never know how she did it.

When grief hits you as a result of consoling those who are experiencing it, you realize you need your village too. But sometimes the timing doesn’t work out to process your own feelings with your people, so you’re left to deal with them yourself.

I don’t know what God’s plan is but I know it doesn’t include me carrying this burden on my own.

Overwhelmed, exhausted, pressed to a pulp, and alone I had no other option but to cry out in prayer.

My prayer didn’t bring those 3 people back to life.

My prayer didn’t get my roommate and I the house we fell in love with.

My prayer gave me the perspective I needed to be reminded of:

I’m only carrying the weight of these burdens because I’m too prideful of my own pitiful human strength to let God intervene to carry them for me.

Life is never going to be easy. But how you choose to handle the hard stuff will show whether you’re the pilot of your own life or if God is, and I know I’m too much of train wreck by myself to be entrusted with making the right decisions all the time.

So I’ll press on, faith first so this heavy burden can be exchanged for something lighter.