“Andrea you have got to figure out why you put yourself in a position to be disappointed when you knew that they were not emotionally available for you to pursue romantically. Them being emotionally unavailable is not a challenge! Stop treating it like one!”
I stood there stunned.
My good friends know me well enough to point out my areas of weakness in a firm but loving way. And I needed to hear it.
Sometimes we can be the ones who lead ourselves astray— grasping at every last interaction in order to validate our own perceptions to fuel our assurance of mutual feelings.
But when those feelings aren’t reciprocated mutually, and that reality pill finally has to be swallowed, letting go of the straws you grasped at to build your fantasy finally have to be blown away.
When a friend will only be a friend, at least they cared about me enough to have a conversation with me so we could get through it, talk about it together, and overcome it together.
Granted, that level of maturity makes it even more difficult to attempt to get over them. But knowing I’m valuable enough to not just be cut off and out from his life would’ve been a bitter nightmare I would hate to endure.
Sometimes, friendship is enough. It has to be. Because wishful thinking is just a fantasy land that can hurt you more than help you.
The emotionally unavailable are not a challenge you want to sign up for. You’ll lose. But hopefully you’ll come out of it with a stronger friendship you couldn’t be more thankful for.
As to why I have a habit going after emotionally available men? I don’t believe I deserve available men. I don’t believe I’m good enough for true authentic pursuit.
It feels good for me to make other people feel good. And when you make people feel good they want to be around you. And even though their effort isn’t consistent with my effort it’s doesn’t matter because at least I’m getting some sort of attention. And I don’t believe I’m worthy of the type of attention I give to others so I just settle for what they give me, because it gives me the temporary illusion that I’m desirable when in reality they only show me I’m desireable only long enough to take what they want from me.
There’s something in me that tells me I’m not worthy of the same effort that I give. So I should never use the way I treat people as the standard for how people should treat me because I don’t feel I deserve it, or am worthy of it, or attractive enough for it.
I think that’s why I struggle with emotionally unavailable men. What little effort they give, I settle for, because of my own reflection of myself not feeling like I’m worthy of authentic intentional pursuit.
But, if nothing else.. self awareness helps me to be better.
My future me will thank me later.
andrea statler 