Toleration vs. Appreciation

As an avid Taylor Swift fan, I’ve found that Taylor has an insane ability to illustrate emotions through imagery and metaphors that people have struggled to find words to describe.

Love her, or hate her— her songwriting is thoughtful, creative and describes human emotions in ways I can’t help but appreciate.

I was listening to her song, “Tolerate It” the other day (which you can find here: https://youtu.be/ukxEKY_7MOc ) and before I knew it my eyes welled up with tears at the chorus lyrics:

I wait by the door like I’m just a kid
Use my best colors for your portrait
Lay the table with the fancy shit
And watch you tolerate it
If it’s all in my head tell me now
Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow
I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it

The thing is— In the season of life I’m in, I’m thankful that I have people in my life who appreciate me. But I’ve gone so long merely being tolerated, that I strive to make up for lost time.. So I find myself giving even more of me.

I yearn for the hugs and the words of appreciation, not just for what I do.. but for who I am. Because it’s hard for me to believe that I’m enough on my own to be appreciated without all of the things I do.

I find myself addicted to the acknowledgment and appreciation of what a difference my efforts made in someone’s life. But I’ve also come to the crippling conclusion that is one my greatest fears coming true: I’m the same as those who merely tolerated me. They were too selfish to appreciate me, and yet as I joyfully do things for others, in the back of my mind, I’m hoping that my efforts are affirmed and appreciated.

Me serving others, also serves me and makes me feel selfish.

I want to be someone who loves unconditionally. But, I realized I do have a condition that keeps me from loving people that way: and it’s my desire to be appreciated, rather than merely tolerated.

I don’t know how to reconcile this reality of finally acknowledging my own selfishness by serving other people with the hopes of my efforts being appreciated.

But hopefully I can strive towards doing for others for no other reason than to love them well.