As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to a bit of a crossroads of what behavior I can handle in my relationships and what type of behavior is worthy of a conversation to see if a compromise could be created. What I’ve found is that people who choose not to see their contributions as to how their actions impact you, are the people who give the classic “non-apologies”.
You know how they go:
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This is not an apology.
But I have known myself to say this too— I’m definitely not perfect in this area. But I’m striving to be better.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a full on cop-out to any possible responsibility in the way another person feels. We know this is the case because the word “you” comes after “I’m sorry”.
A real apology is: “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
Do you hear and see the difference?
The non-apology has pride, no responsibility, and it’s actually pretty gaslighty honestly.
The genuine apology has an authentic humility about it. The person is taking responsibility for how those actions affected someone they care about, and now they can work together towards a resolution or compromise.
Let’s take steps toward taking responsibility when our loved ones address behaviors we do that cause them to feel hurt, neglected or misunderstood. We can’t change how they feel, but we can take ownership in acknowledging that our words and actions have power.
It’s up to us to be the change we wish to see in the world, starting with apologizing with humility.
andrea statler 