When you get into your late twenties and remain {voluntarily} unmarried there are a few deal breakers that I have found that I am unable to handle based on my previous experiences— so these dealbreakers are mine— and if it resonates with you, awesome— if not, then maybe if you’re in a similar position you may try to figure out what your personal dealbreakers are.
1.) I don’t care where you’re going, I just need to know that you’re going somewhere— with or without me.
A man without direction isn’t a man who I can be confident in. Because if he doesn’t know where he’s going, or have some bare-bones plan of how he’s working to get there, then we’ll just be 2 people wandering around in circles going nowhere… rrreeeaaalll fast. And I don’t want to be the one leading, I want to support an idea, collaborate on a plan and contribute to achieving it, by his side. And knowing that a man is going to be moving in the direction of his goals with or without me let’s me know that he is confident in his ability to put his mind to something, and do it regardless of if he has me or not. A man with direction, and an end goal is a man who makes his steps deliberate, intentional and purposeful.
Because I am going somewhere too— with or without him. So if our purposes can be merged together in a way to be mutually supportive and heading in the same direction interdependently— that’s what I’m looking for.
2.) Unwilling to participate in therapy and apply the feedback given to make progress to improve.
This is kind of a double-decker deal breaker (say that 5 times fast! 😜) No, really. Because I see these lists of dealbreakers all the time and people only do the first part and make that a deal breaker— but for me, it’s not just about whether someone is willing to participate in therapy, it’s about whether or not they have the required humility and self awareness to put into practice the tools that are taught in therapy and implementing them in a real and authentic way. I’m not spending the rest of my life with someone who reluctantly attends therapy with his eyes glazed over and wonders why on earth it’s not “working”, and takes the stance of, “I know I’m not perfect but I’m better than most men.” That’s a cop-out and refusal to be accountable to actions that are hurtful to me and our abilities to work together as a team to be better individuals and a better couple. No thank you.
And further— if a man is willing to maintain his car with pride and the car may only last 10-ish years, maybe more, then aren’t I worth the same level of intentionality if we’re gonna be together til we die? Marriages need a tune-up just like cars, maybe it’s every two weeks, or maybe once a month, or once every 3 months— but regardless and outside perspective can be extremely helpful in a marriage you want to last.
3.) A man with no hobbies and/or no good, genuine close friends.
I’ve been there, done that, got the tshirt I give it 0 out 5 stars on yelp. I can’t be my man’s world. I refuse. I can’t be everything for my man, nor do I want him to be everything for me. He needs to have his own interests and his own close friends who he can spend time with or without me. But most especially, without me. Otherwise it’s a breeding ground for an unhealthy codependent relationship where we are trying to be the source of each other’s happiness rather than adding to the overflow of an already fulfilled and joyful partner. It’s not my job to be my man’s accountability partner, mentor, or someone who can teach him how to be a better man. I can’t do that, it’s not my role. It takes a village to maintain a sense of community and support— its not simply a closed village of 2.
4.) A man who lacks the desire to be a lifelong learner
A man who isn’t curious, inquisitive, or trying to expand his knowledge, understanding, comprehension or self-awareness on various topics that pique his interest is a major dealbreaker for me. It’s just an apathetic, indifferent perspective and state of being that I have and will continue to struggle to maintain a lifelong connection with. There are very few things that make my heart happier than my man saying, “Babe! I learned the coolest thing today I can’t wait to tell you all about it when I get off work!” Even if it’s not something of interest to me, seeing him be excited about learning something and wanting to share it with me, is an intellectually connective thing that I know I can’t live without.
5.) A man who is disconnected from his family/ people who play the role of family.
I am a VERY family oriented person. I talk to my mom and dad once a day/every couple days, and I FaceTime them weekly and see them twice a month minimum. I cherish my family and am very in tune with their doctor visits, health diagnoses/progressions, trips they take, housesitting they need etc. And one of my best guy friends said it best when I complimented him on his intentional effort to be there for his elderly parents to mow the grass or shovel the snow off the driveway— he said “They’re the only parents I have. They took care of me, now it’s time for me to take care of them.”
That mindset right there— that’s essential for me.
So for someone to be disconnected from their family or criticize me for being close to my family and taking care of them, or seeing them as a burden—I have no room in my life for that perspective and bad attitude.
6.) A man who stops working when he’s tired and not when the job is done
This low-level work ethic is simply not a quality I can get behind. He’s burning the night oil to ensure the job is done right with the highest level of integrity even though he’s tired? I’ll be the one making him something to eat and pouring him some coffee. I’ll give him a kiss and whisper in his ear, “I believe in you.” And then leaving him alone to work.
He definitely should be taking his time, pacing himself well, and find ways to be more efficient (so it doesn’t take him as long next time, if applicable), he needs to take the breaks he needs to take, but doesn’t stop simply because he’s tired. He’ll stop because the job is done for the day and he’s set himself up for success tomorrow. A man who doesn’t allow his feelings to get in the way of getting his work done, is a man with a high-integrity persistent, strong work ethic that I know I can’t live without.
It’s not about just having a man with a job, it’s a man who does his job well for the sake of providing for himself and me regardless of if he likes the work or not, regardless of if his effort is seen by his boss or not. Of course I don’t want him to be at a job he hates, but I want him to be *willing* to take on a job he hates temporarily in order to put food on the table while he searches for a more suitable job for him. If he’s too prideful to do work because he’s “overqualified” and he’s not a “manual labor” guy but it’s the only job that’s an immediate hire and he can start getting paid after just in time to ensure our electric doesn’t get cut off, or worse. There should be no question as to what his response to that job offer should be, at least temporarily until something else comes along.
That level of work ethic, determination, humility and continuous effort will not be lost on me.
7.) A man who is actively struggling with addictive personality traits/ a man who is sober and isn’t seeking accountability to remain sober
This one may seem harsh, but I have been in relationships with people who are actively struggling with addictions, or who believe that because they’ve been sober for “so many years” that they no longer need or require any form of accountability for temptation. Being with men like this has undone the progress I’ve made with my natural people-pleasing tendencies to avoid “rocking the boat”. And I can’t continue to put myself in situations that has me cower in fear and dissuade me away from the growth I’ve done as a person.
Even with the men who have been sober for years, they believe that because they’ve been sober they aren’t predisposed to the temptation of going back to their addiction if the circumstances in life became too difficult to bear— so they refuse to have ongoing accountability.
Both situations? Major dealbreakers.
8.) A man with no faith
If a man will only rely on what is seen and what he can control, then he is the god of his own life. And if he isn’t the god of his own life, then he may attempt to put me on a pedestal that I don’t deserve and can’t maintain. So I need a man of faith, one who acknowledges his shortcomings as he seeks out strength beyond what his physical body and mind can muster. A prayerful man, who may be struggling— but he is striving. In order to lead, my man needs to first know how to humbly follow, not the crowd, not the world, but the One who loved us enough to die the most gruesome undeserving death to take on the sins of this world and then, rise again from the dead to show that no power of death could keep Him. If the man I’m with doesn’t challenge me to serve Christ with greater obedience and encourage me in my pursuit to seek out His will, then I know I’m not going to be who God designed me to be.
9.) An impatient, unstable man
A man who struggles to be patient or stable is a man I can’t rely on, and if I can’t rely on him, I can’t trust him— and if I can’t trust him, we have nothing.
I don’t expect him to be perfect, but a man who is working and striving towards being patient, compassionate and confident in his abilities to stand tall, create a plan and follow through makes him the backbone of the family that I know I need.
10.) A self-centered man
A man who seeks only after his own needs and doesn’t look for opportunities to help those around him, is not going to work for me. As someone who finds great joy and purpose in serving others, and people in need, the last thing I need is to have a man who begrudgingly “helps” because he knows it’s something that is important to me.
My purpose is mission oriented— meaning I will spend my time, talents & gifts to support and serve those in need, and continuously find ways to support those who everyone else has forgotten.
That’s my heart.
If a man can’t serve other people with a joyful heart— then he doesn’t get mine.
11.) A man who has the inability to have fun, laugh or be silly in the most mundane circumstances
If we can’t laugh, play or be silly in the most boring of circumstances then we, in turn, will lack the vibrance that makes relationships worth having.
The depths of stimulating intellectual conversations need to be just as frequent as our ability to laugh, play and enjoy one another regardless of the circumstance.
I want to enjoy his presence, and have mine be enjoyed too.
12.) A man with no desire to compromise, communicate, or have conflict in a kind way
This is is just a big fat NO for a plethora of reasons— the biggest being that I don’t operate under the “my way or the highway” approach, so I can’t be with someone who operates that way.
Although, the irony of that statement is that.. it’s my way or the highway about NOT having a “my way or the highway” approach to things— but that’s it! 😂
But seriously, I can’t work with someone who refuses to take the time to communicate and listen well. And if he has to scream, throw things, insult me, or resort to any other physical or verbal means to express his anger in a demeaning way and struggles with self-control in this manner, with no desire and action to improve it— then it’s gonna be a no from me.
13.) A man with no discipline
A man with no discipline is a man who will allow himself to be controlled by his impulses. A man with no discipline is a man who makes excuses as to why he can’t turn his eyes away from tempting circumstances that come. A disciplined man creates a life where He reminds himself that he has the ability to be in control of whatever urges draw him away from serving Jesus fully.
A guy friend of mine has openly discussed some struggles he has experienced with alcohol in the past. For his birthday he received a really nice expensive bottle of his favorite whiskey. Every night he’d pour himself a bit in a glass to savor on in the hour leading up to going to bed. As the days progressed, it became part of his nightly routine, but every night he’d add more and more whiskey to his cup until finally after 4 or 5 days of this he noticed himself being controlled by his desire for alcohol. So for the next 2 weeks, he fasted from alcohol for both physical and spiritual purposes. When I heard that he did this I thought this was an unbelievably attractive quality to have because he had the self-awareness to acknowledge his own tendencies towards overdoing his consumption of alcohol, AND he immediately did something about it.
That level of discipline, I know I can’t live without.
While these aren’t the only dealbreakers I have, they are the ones that hold the most weight.
Overall though, I know what I bring to the table— and it definitely isn’t perfection. So to be voluntarily unmarried, simply means that I am not settling to be married to just anyone. Nor am I so desperate to be married in order to be fulfilled— if it happens it happens. But if not, I’ll be spending my time with my friends, learning new things, serving others, enjoying my hobbies and making progress on being my best self.
And that, is enough.
andrea statler 