I wouldn’t say I’m someone who has ever had what most would consider to be “a lot” of friends. I’ve had “a lot” of acquaintances who I’d see and and have conversations with at school and work but they never went further than that.
But of the few friends in my circle who I have added to over the years, I will say that the ones who have withstood the test of time are the ones I can have compassionate conflict with.
We all know what passionate conflict looks like, it’s the overly romanticized “Noah and Allie” from the Notebook type of conflict. This yelling, screaming, knock-out-drag-out fights. I don’t want that, but apparently that level of drama does a good job of selling movie tickets.
That’s not a communication style worth striving for. But it’s the one most of us have grown up with whether with our own parents or with movies telling us that that’s what love looks like.
That’s not what love looks like.
Love looks like being patient when someone is trying to convey their feelings.
It’s being able to feel safe and respected enough in your relationships to stand up, be vulnerable and say, “I felt hurt when you said ___”
People are so quick to let things go because it’s not a “big deal”. And perhaps it isn’t, but wouldn’t you say it’s important to nip something in the bud before it turns into a big deal?
For example, if you grow a garden, inevitably and eventually weeds will grow. You get to decide how long they grow before you pull them out at the root. Doesn’t it make sense to do routine maintenance pulling out those small growths peeking through the soil that you can see?
You might say, “It’s just a small growth, it’s not a big deal.” So you leave it alone, and it keeps growing, stealing perfectly good nutrients away from the plants you are trying to grow— and so the good plants are now experiencing a delay in their own ability to grow, all because weeds were allowed to grow in the midst of the garden.
Compassionate communication looks like creating the habit of taking responsibility for what you said or did, and not making excuses for it— regardless of how “big” of a deal it is.
People say “don’t sweat the small stuff” and in most cases they’re probably right. But if you allow disrespectful behavior to continue when it’s a small thing, you can be assured that those habits will continue with big things.
Passionate conflict is a posture of pride that says “I will tear you limb from limb with the poisonous words to make me feel superior to you in the heat of this moment.”
Compassionate conflict starts with a posture of humility that has the self-awareness to go cool off when emotions are high, and then when you come back together you can say, “I’m not perfect, and I need grace, help me to know how to love and understand you better and hold me accountable for following through. You’re not perfect and you need grace and I want to show you how to love and understand me better and I will hold you accountable for following through. Let’s work together to create a compromise that works for both of us.”
If I’m presented with a “my way or the highway” approach, I will gladly take the highway, any day.
andrea statler 