For as long as I can remember I have been a pick me girl. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, a “pick me girl” (as defined by Wikipedia) is “A woman who claims or acts as if she is unlike most other women, in order to gain attention from men.” But I would take this definition a bit further.
For me— a pick me girl is also someone who goes above and beyond in her effort to show her value to those that she wants to impress in an effort to be worthy of their time, friendship or attention. This doesn’t have to be limited to romantic relationships, for me it definitely wasn’t. From a young age I just wanted to be the girl (that the girls I wanted to be friends with) that was invited to a birthday party or to go to a movie. And those invites never came. I also wanted to be seen as a valuable potential “helpmate” to guys I found to be worthy of my best qualities to build them up as men (which was rare in the first place, yes— I realize very prideful and arrogant of me to think I was soooo special but I digress).
All my life I was a pick me girl.
And after 28 years of living, it’s probably the hardest habit to kill.
There’s been a continuous reinforcement of me only feeling valuable when I’m useful and I only feel useful if I’m helping, and if I’m helping then I’m being used. Up to this point it’s been okay for me to be “used”, because I chose it. It’s been voluntary. It’s given me purpose, someone needed something, I provided it, they were appreciative. There was an exchange: I met a need and they appreciated it. Thankfully very few people have taken advantage of my desire to be helpful and generous. But I struggle greatly to feel valuable without contributing something.
I don’t know who I am if I couldn’t be helpful. If I couldn’t contribute. If I couldn’t do my best to lessen someone else’s burden. BUT— I’ve done it for the hope of becoming worthy of someone voluntarily giving their time to want to spend time with me, not because of what I could do or be for them, but because they simply enjoyed me, my presence, my humor. Just me.
The friends I have are friends because they call me to ask me how I am, and want to know what’s going on in my life— not to always ask for favors or hope I volunteer when they need something (although I still do). But it’s because those friendships were never based on me trying to “earn” a place in their life. I was just me. And for them that’s been enough.
Being a “pick me” girl actually does nothing but repel the very people you try to attract. You put in so much time, effort, energy hoping, wishing & praying to be worthy of them voluntarily wanting to spend time with you because you’ve proven you’re“worth it”. The people who are supposed to care for you and love you won’t need to be convinced you’re worthy of their time. The value you bring won’t have to do with “what you do” as much as it has to do with “who you are”.
I can’t wait for the day (Lord willing) that there comes a special person who I never feel I have to impress. Where the person I am is already enough and everything I do to be helpful is a bonus.
andrea statler 