Perhaps it’s a bit unwise to take relationship advice from America’s biggest pop star— but I think we can learn a lot from the experiences of those who choose to share their vulnerable failures & triumphant comebacks.
There are very few songwriters that exist today with the level of emotional, story-telling imagery and dramatic analogies in the form of poetry like Taylor Swift. Love her, or hate her— her songs could fill poetry books & I’d be reading the depths of her imagination for the rest of my life.
But if there’s any one thing that she has down to a science, it’s the reflections she has about the many facets of love that makes it worth pursuing. Through her own observation of the love of others in addition to her own love life— she has many hidden gems of wisdom that I think is worthwhile to keep close.
1.) You’ll never have to beg the right person to choose you.
“Do something, babe, say something” (Say something)
“Lose something, babe, risk something” (You’re losing me)
“Choose something, babe, I got nothing” (I got nothing)
“To believe, unless you’re choosing me”
These lyrics from the song, “You’re Losing Me” sheds light on what it feels like to see someone as your “sure thing” but they see you as a hesitation. Their hesitation is your signal to remove yourself from the equation. To remove yourself as a choice from their vision. Because the longer you stay in something that’s not yours to keep, you only delay the love that you seek.
2.) When your best effort still isn’t good enough to be appreciated, it’s not because you aren’t good enough, you’re simply asking the wrong person to appreciate you.
“I wait by the door like I’m just a kid
Use my best colors for your portrait
Lay the table with the fancy shit
And watch you tolerate it
If it’s all in my head tell me now
Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow
I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it”
I made you my temple, my mural, my sky
Now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life” —Tolerate It
Relationships are reciprocal & intentional. If you find your existence to be merely tolerated by the person who claims to love you, check your cup. If it’s empty— ask for how you want to be loved, how you want to feel appreciated. If they show no intentional effort to improve and see your request as a burden that they don’t desire to grow in, then you know you don’t belong in this relationship.
3.) Your life isn’t defined by the approval you find— it’s defined by how you choose to spend your time.
“But in your life you’ll do things
Greater than dating the boy on the football team
But I didn’t know it at fifteen” —Fifteen
The addiction to validation and approval is a poisonous cup that makes you believe that your value is tied to who you date or IF you’re in a relationship. The desire to be desired by not just anyone, but the ONE everyone wants is a game we want to play to win. Spend your time focusing on who you want to become and anyone else who shares the same values and convictions will find their way to you.
4.) You may kick yourself because you took for granted the love you never thought you deserved, but maybe it’ll teach you that real love is freely given and not earned.
“So this is me swallowin’ my pride
Standin’ in front of you sayin’ I’m sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothin’ but missin’ you
Wishin’ I’d realized what I had when you were mine
I’d go back to December, turn around and make it alright”— Back to December
A lot of us have that “one that got away”, or that one short lived “thing” that you may daydream about here and there. But lessons often come in the form of loss— use it as a way to learn not to fantasize about what could’ve been.
5.) If the combination of you and your partner creates an addiction to the adrenaline, passion and the drama— you don’t love the person you love the high.
“This slope is treacherous
This path is reckless
This slope is treacherous
And I, I, I like it”— Treacherous
An addiction to passionate physical chemistry and an active pursuit of living out the dramatic conflicts you see in sexy romcom films can be a lethal cocktail. If you grew up seeing love as chaos then you’ll likely find yourself attracted to chaos. Reframe your perception of what you find attractive by digging deeper to what you saw and experienced as a child— good or bad, you get to rework what love looks like that helps you thrive not cower in fear.
6.) Be the type of person who doesn’t give attention to people in committed relationships.
“I just wanna make sure
You understand perfectly, you’re the kind of man who makes me sad
While she waits up
You chase down the newest thing and take for granted what you have
And it would be a fine proposition
If I was a stupid girl
And yeah, I might go with it
If I hadn’t once been just like her”— Girl at Home
When we romanticize and fetishize the idea of stealing someone away from their significant other, we’re rewarding cowardice behavior. If you’re not strong enough to break up with someone who doesn’t make you happy, then you’re too weak to be with me. Point, blank period.
7.) Just because you’re sober of your own toxic behaviors doesn’t mean you’re not tempted to repeat them.
“Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you’re clean, don’t mean you don’t miss it
Ten months older, I won’t give in
Now that I’m clean, I’m never gonna risk it” —Clean
To be strong doesn’t mean you don’t have weaknesses, it means that in the face of weakness you’ll choose a different path that doesn’t lead you to the rock bottom you climbed out of.
8.) Don’t pray prayers you’re not willing to hear the answer to.
“Don’t blame me, love made me crazy
If it doesn’t, you ain’t doin’ it right
Lord, save me, my drug is my baby
I’ll be usin’ for the rest of my life”
When you cling to Christ you’ll quickly figure out if your partner is a downward spiral or an iron who can sharpen you. If you’re more consumed by your partner than your identity in Christ then don’t be surprised when the idol of your partner turns out to be a terrible god to serve.
9.) Make your intentions known & be willing to leave if your intentions aren’t mutually reciprocated
“I think he knows
He better lock it down
Or I won’t stick around
‘Cause good ones never wait” —I Think He Knows
The amount of time needed to discover if you’re willing to put in the lifetime effort that’s needed to sustain your commitment to someone shouldn’t take long. What are your boundaries? Values? Convictions? Lifestyle? How do we handle conflict? How do we work through hard things? How do you feel support? Love? Encouragement?
Perhaps others make a habit out of being indecisive and unintentional because it’s not “mysterious” or “sexy” but the faster you determine someone isn’t for you the faster you can find someone who is.
10.) All the things you believe that makes you unlovable is how we know that love is a choice, and the heart that chooses to love you is choosing to love your unlovable parts too.
“A string that pulled me
Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar
Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire
Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons
One single thread of gold tied me to you”—Invisible String
You’re not perfect and neither are they, but together you’ll see the ugly parts of one another, and still choose to stay. Not out of coercion, force or demand— but because you’re both trying to be better together than you were apart.
11.) Define your relationship how you want but people will still talk.
“All they keep askin’ me (all they keep askin’ me)
Is if I’m gonna be your bride
The only kind of girl they see (only kind of girl they see)
Is a one-night or a wife” —Lavender Haze
Refer back to #9– figure out what you want. The definition may not matter to you but your intentions about where you’re going and what your expectations are should be communicated and understood.
12.) Be excited not obsessive, open-minded but aware—everything in the dark will come to light in due time.
I don’t wanna look at anything else now that I saw you
(I can never look away)
I don’t wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you
(Things will never be the same)
I’ve been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night
(Now I’m wide awake)
And now I see daylight” —Daylight
It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the early stages of a whirlwind romance but love, real love, is kept alive not through limerence but through choice.
13.) Your broken heart isn’t the end of you, it’s the end of an era.
“I forgot that you existed
And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t
And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet
I forgot that you existed
It isn’t love, it isn’t hate
It’s just indifference” — I Forgot That You Existed
How you feel today won’t be how you feel 2 weeks from now or even two years from now. Grieve, mourn, and then inevitably life moves on and so will you.
andrea statler 