Breaking up with Codependency

I never saw myself as codependent, until I saw what lengths I would go to keep people in my life who only cared about what they could get from me.

Thoughtfulness, kindness, putting their needs above mine, making sure they were taken care of and then some. It caused me to reject myself ultimately because I was trying so hard to earn a similar priority. When that day never came, I’d settle for the crumbs of toleration.

When most people think of codependency they may think that it’s simply a cycle where one person revolves their life around another to take care of their every need, while the enabler gladly receives all that a person gives to them. Though this may be a traditional and accurate definition of codependency, what I’ve struggled with goes a bit deeper.

See, when I look back on my almost 28 years of life and I identify what causes my most joyful moments, it always has to do with serving others. I can’t take any credit for that because its truly a Jesus thing. But truly, I find so much joy from simply serving others— finding new ways to show people care, love, appreciation and encouragement for those I connect deeply with. But what fuels that fire even more, is the authentic genuine connection with people that inspires me to be my full self. There are very few greater freedoms than knowing you can fully be yourself.

And its only been recently where I have found people in my life that stir me to be my true authentic self, and when I’m around them it sparks joy and self acceptance in me, and all I want to do is spend time with them. which doesn’t sound inherently bad… until..

Plans don’t work out.

I’m waiting by the phone hoping they’d call.

I’ve initiated plans 3 times in a row, and am met with ”Let’s try for next week.” and then the week after that and the week after that.

I wish I was important enough to be written in pen on a calendar. But it doesn’t happen that way and that’s ok. I’m getting used to it.

Breaking up with codependency is probably my hardest break up yet. It causes so much discomfort to try to find contentment with myself, by myself. Even though my extraversion screams with desire for connection. If they call to spend time with me, I’m joyful. But instead of being disappointed when they don’t somehow, some way I have to figure out how to spark joy for myself, by myself. And that’s uncomfortable.

But it’s only through discomfort that we can really grow, right?

I’m ready for my glow-up from my break up with codependency.