I mulled over this idea for a while:
“Should I? Shouldn’t I? It’s not that big of a deal, right? No, no.. It’s fine, everything is fine.. Guys who are in relationships talk on the phone to their friends that are girls for just shy of 3 hours— this is normal. Maybe its just a one off—It’s okay. But if she knew how would she feel? Disrespected? Because I know I would.. Betrayed? It’s likely. But its innocent, enough… Is it though? It can’t be.”
And that’s when it hit me. I then sent the following text:
“Hey this is stupid, but I caught some feelings, it was completely unintentional, and I’m gonna take some time to get over them. Sorry it happened, but I needed to be honest with you and myself. You’re really great, but there are some boundaries that need to be established so as not to disrespect your relationship and our friendship.”
Message sent.
This is what I needed to start the process of overcoming the feelings I allowed myself to cultivate for someone who is not in a position where these feelings would be appropriate.
It was hard but necessary.
I’ve very recently been in the position of the aloof, trusting “girlfriend”. Except he never told the other girl I existed. Or told me she existed. At least my friend was honest enough to do that.
Keep in mind, this text, being this honest, open and transparent with this guy was easily one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. We have the exact same sense of humor, extraordinary witty banter that every rom-com writer wishes they could write, and a genuine connection rooted in curiosity and empathetic communication that is truly second to none compared to *almost* any other person I’ve met in my life.
I like me better when I’m with him. I feel seen and accepted how I fully am— not just the side that meshes well with the other person’s personality, but truly unapologetically, fully me. But regardless of how I felt, none of this was about me. It was about her.
I’ve been her. I own the shoes and walked in them as the person whose partner intentionally deceived me and actively pursued someone else without breaking up with me first.
Granted— I stopped it before what could’ve simply been a “one-off” situation accelerated somewhere more. And I’m convinced that my friend is a more stand-up honest guy than the one I dated— but how long do you toe the line of inappropriate before it’s inappropriate?
The answer is: you don’t toe the line. You run from the line. Fast. You don’t toe the edge of betrayal you put it as far back in your rear view as possible. You don’t put yourself in a position to even have the trust you’ve established between you and your significant other be questioned.
It was hard. It was necessary. It was the right thing to do.
This is what it means to live on the road less traveled— intentional boundaries, honesty, and open communication.
I turned what could’ve been a facepalm fail into a lesson I already learned from being on the receiving end of infidelity.
Bottom line? Be in the business of setting yourself to higher standards through bold boundaries.
andrea statler 