My social life growing up was less than ideal. I had a huge yearn for friends— not just “school friends” but the school friends who became “good friends” or even “BFFs” by hanging out over the weekend. When those opportunities rarely came, I settled on the attention I received by being the one that people could “count on” when they needed something.
And in 6th grade that meant bringing an extra dollar for “Shelly” on Fridays when we were allowed to buy a soda at the end of the day.
Shelly always gave me the same excuse every Friday, “I promise I’ll pay you back next week!” But next week came and went, and there was Shelly the following Friday hoping I brought a dollar for her. Which I always did. Her parents were pretty well-off too, so it’s not like she couldn’t bring a dollar for herself, but why would she if she could rely on me to bring on for her?
Shelly never acknowledged my existence until it was time for her to ask for a dollar on Friday. She was so nice and genuine when she would ask too. Those last few hours on Friday were my favorite because I felt like I had a real friend. Except.. our friendship never went beyond her asking for that dollar, and me giving it to her.
It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized she merely tolerated my existence for what I could do to serve her. Once she no longer needed me, she was gone, until she needed me again.
As much as I would love to take on the victim role here, I look at my life and I realize, sometimes, I’m Shelly.
Sometimes I treat God as though He exists to serve me, rather than me existing for the purpose of serving Him.
It’s a hard pill to swallow because I am so quick to go to God when I need something with the expectation that He will provide clarity, discernment or make a move, but I am so slow in my gratitude and stingy with my adoration of His goodness in the midst of stress or waiting seasons.
Rarely do my prayers have anything to do with how I can serve Him better but rather, I’m asking Him to love me better. As if it’s not already perfect.
Shelly never did pay back when she said she would but I continued to give a dollar anyway. But then again, neither have I given God what I promised when I was trying to barter with him either. You know the prayer: “God if you just do this for me, I promise I’ll *do this thing* or *never to ___ again*.
As terrible as it sounds I thought if she could only be indebted to me enough, maybe then I’d earn the privilege of being invited over to her house over the weekend, but that invite never came.
I was paying for acceptance that would never come. A warm embrace. An invite. A friendship.
But then I look at me. And as much as I want to, I can’t say I’m innocent.
I am Shelly, too. There are some parts of my life I don’t invite God to come into. I take care of what I *think* I can take care of until I’m proven wrong— and then finally ask for His help as a last resort and not my first choice.
It’s a relationship where I am the taker and He is the Giver.
The one thing he wants is the one thing I won’t give.
He wants me.
Not just the part of me that runs to Him as a last resort.
He wants all of me. The good, bad, ugly, all of it. He wants me.
He wants me to choose Him to be my First choice, in the same way I wanted to be Shelly’s first choice.
All I was to Shelly was a dollar. All I am to God is someone worth dying and being resurrected for.
andrea statler 
Andrea, you have quite a lot of wisdom for such a young person. Many people see that as a gift. My only experience is that it has come at a heart breaking expense to myself on numerous occasions.
I love your use of symbolism. Shelly can be so many of us.
I cried over your soda story. Because, I know exactly how that feels. But I want you to know, my life was nothing like yours. I had all the things you longed for and a ton of confidence–on the outside. The Shelly(s) of my life, never asked for anything. They weren’t even a Shelly. But in my mind, they were sure to leave at any given moment. And somehow, I felt like if I was worrying , then it wouldn’t happen.
My Shelly thinking started around age 8 for me. My parents divorced then. My Dad was gone, and for reasons I will never understand, I just was no longer a priority. I would have given every dollar to Shelly just to feel needed again. And I was always ready and waiting for Shelly to let me down and cause me to wonder why I wasn’t good enough? If a parent leaves you, there is no one on earth you can entrust your safety and stability to. Not in a child’s mind.
And these created a life long , exhaustive fear of abandonment. Only, I started with one Shelly and then became convinced if I didn’t stay right on top of all relationships, that they too, would leave. And I could not bear that ever again.
And I had good friends, experiences, opportunities, etc. Outside of my personal life, I was a very blessed girl.
I think to some degree many people go through something like this and we grow up and begin on our next journey.
But, for me, I was going to drag this thing all my life because I was only in control as long as I had my hands on it.
And here we are. My life with Christ did not begin until I was an adult. I was not raised with faith in God, I was raised that I was in charge of my life. Period.
It is sad that all of those years I silently thought others didn’t make mistakes. That I was only one step away from my mom figuring out I was not a priority and then what is left?
I felt like I was simply suffocating.
And I had a bitterness that was growing since childhood. So I sort of felt like the Lord was my Shelly. I thought, I know I have a beautiful heart that has gotten me nowhere. And I’ve been waving my dollar in His face for years, and when will He ever notice me? Let alone help me? Feeling like the Lord has abandoned you is pretty easy to believe.
But there is that moment in faith, where you just drop everything because you are too tired to drive this car of life any further and you realize the Lord didn’t take your dollar not because he didn’t see me, but because I had to learn there was no price for my soul. God wanted me, he always wanted me. I only need to wake up to see I am loved, will never be abandoned and that I have a value that is eternal.
Something I have learned in my life is that it is very easy to Believe IN God, but to BELIEVE GOD, is a completely different thing. When you have experienced your greatest pain in life, and you realize that tomorrow is still coming, you understand you were never in control of anything.
And that God is bigger than everything. Happiness and hurt, both. If God can start or stop the beat of my heart, how could I ever think he couldn’t take care of my problems as well?
Our situations are different but have the same outcomes. We can be so complacent with our relationship with Christ that we take his Mercy for granted.
And in my opinion, I think the people who always have the dollar ready to give, are the most beautiful people in the world. They are acutely aware of how others feel and will offer a hand in your worst moments of life.
This post may have rambled on and that’s ok. That’s who I am.
I’m God’s daughter. That alone is enough.
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Gina, it was so beautiful to hear a portion of your story. And yes there are always a kaleidoscope of different ways the God can use to remind us that we are all in need of His grace and that it is completely abundant in exchange for all of ourselves submitted to Him.
And you are absolutely right there is a big difference between Believing IN God versus Believing God.
It’s easy to be overwhelmed by the “feeling of abandonment”,it’s entirely different to “know” you never were to begin with.
And that type of understanding and submission to that Truth can MOVE MOUNTAINS.
It sounds like God has been moving some pretty big mountains in your life Gina, and I continue to pray that He continues to show you exactly how valuable you are to Him. Because yes, that alone is enough.
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